Swear I'm not Paul: Live Review: Eurovision 2009

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Saturday, May 16, 2009

Live Review: Eurovision 2009

Great news guys, I'm going to live blog the Eurovision as it happens. Without Ireland. Our song was much better than a lot of the crap in the semi, but in order to do well we'll need to annex Georgia or the Ukraine.

Also, check out Culch.ie's liveblog of the event, it features a lot of their writers, so promises to be more entertaining than mine! But they're watching it on the Beeb with our Graham. I'll be following Marty instead. And their joke is quite accurate, as I'm down in Carlow for the weekend, and my Granny will indeed be here.

Have a look at it here:


Mine will be below...

20:00 The voiceover sounds a bit like French, but even more like the Ducth they speak in the Amsterdam torture museum. Will the next three hours be torture? Probably. But sit with me and enjoy it!

20:04 Some of the camera work for this hasn't been good so far, but what the hell? Freaky adult baby child. Aaarrrghh.

20:06 Could do with Marty or Terry commenting on this Enrique-in-the-air version of last year's winner.

20:08 God that's a boring song. Ireland should've sent a ballad again this year.

20:10 Where's the sleazy guy from the semis gone? Awful dress she's wearing. Jenny and POD on Snog Marry Avoid wouldn't like all that make-up Alsou.

20:12 Song #1 Lithuania, got through in our semi, is it better than ours? Probably not. But the gay kid from High School Musical is playing the piano in it.

20:14 Still on Lithuania, but raptureponies over at Culch.ie has pointed out that there's karaoke lyrics on the red button on BBC. And Graham Norton rather than Marty.

20:16 Israel on now. Nice to see there's no Palestinian entry any year. Sorry, I just had to be controversial there! Is that Dana International again?

20:18 There must be another way. There must be better songwriters in Israel, more like.

20:19 @Glinner "There must be another way." I quite agree. How about next year, instead of singing to find out who's best, how about a big fight? #twumpet

20:20 Next up, France. Surrender monkeys. Benoit Pouillard last year was great. But no-one voted for him. Pity.

20:22 No English lyrics again. France will never sing in French. Dull, dull song. Je ne regrette rein. Or however you spell it. I got a D in the Leaving in Higher French.

20:23 How do you say "bag of cats" in French? Sac le chats?

20:25 Sweden. Which one is Anafrid? Sounds like that "The Voice" song we had years ago.

20:28 Croatia. One of them is called Igor. Shouldn't he be from Romania so? Flamenco Spanish guitar for Croatia? What's with those boots mate?

20:30 @Wossy #eurovision Croatia. His thighs are disproportianate to his backing singers.

20:32 Portugal on now. My mother has referred to this song as "absolutely vile, horrible, horrible, horrible". It's actually better than some of the manure we've heard so far. I wouldn't ever put this kind of stuff on my iPod though.

20:35 Iceland. While I'm mentioning my mother, this one is her favourite. She watched the semis and all, unlike most of the country. Nice little ballad this one. And is that Amy Adams from Enchanted singing?

20:40 Greece. Awful song until about two minutes in when they actually woke up from that whit coffin looking thing in the centre.

20:43 Did Marty just say the song was by or written by "Yo' Ma'"? It's Armenia anyway. I like this song. I could imagine using that jingly bit as a ringtone.

20:45 What is the point of all those dancers? Look like witches!

20:48 Russia now. They won't win two years in a row. They'll just be getting some "thank you for putting on a good show" votes. Looks like a brunette Kerry Katona in the background too.

20:52 Azerbaijan They were in our semi. Don't remember the song. It wasn't always on my mind. See what I did there? A pun. My Jesus. Sorry. What's going on with her leg though?

20:54 Bosnia and Herzegovina. I think the only reason Yugoslavia split up was to get more local votes in the Eurovision. Cause I don't know how anyone would vote for this nonsense. Worst song so far.

20:58 Time for RTE to pay Marty's wages with some ads.

21:00 Back on. Nelly the Elephant is on now for Moldova. Lucky/unlucky 13? "Hey Hey" over and over. Rubbish.

21:03 Marty hasn't been too funny so far. Feel I'm missing out on Graham's wizardry.

21:05 Malta. Big Fatto solo balladeer on. She's a great singer. Fair play to her. That's the kind of stuff we should send. A real winner.

21:07 Estonia. That main one invested in some fine hair dye there. Kind of like the colour men in their 40s use. Bit boring though.

21:11 Denmark. Our Ronan. And I don't mean me. He sings the exact same as him. Bus going out through those legs with that stance.

21:15 I'm also liveblogging over at Culch.ie, so check that out too guys. Germany. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is a great film. This is slightly different. Johnny Got a Boom Boom. Skiddelybopdoodelybop. Great to see Dita there. Nice cameo. Better than Plushenko last year.

21:19 Turkey. It's turkey time. Gobble Gobble. Real europop nonsense, a bit eastern too, which I usually like. The Turkish Shakira maybe? Not at all. Awful. While I'm on an eastern theme, you know what soundtrack is great, the film is on in ten mins, Kingdom of Heaven.

21:23 Albania. Rats in the streets. Or so the Irish footballers say. Great intro. Weird blue man there.

21:26 Norway. The favourite. More of this Russian dancing stuff. I can see why it's the favourite. It's good. But no Malta. Malta all the way. Oh and the krauts too.

21:30 5 to go. Some sort of chatting nonsense, just to show off her new dress no doubt.

21:31 Ukraine. Oh I remember this crap from the semi. She looks like Sass from Neighbours. Google her, see what I mean. I love the fellas dancing in this one. You are my SEXY BOM! What?

21:35 The Romanian Pussy Cat Dolls. Just as cheesy. Not as good. Yawn. The dresses look like they were made in arts and crafts.

21:39 Here's Jade. Decent enough song. But no-one in Europe usually votes for Britain. So they'll need a large jury vote. Where's Lord Webber? Oh he's there. Excellent. Britain: it's not your time. She's a great singer, he's a great writer. But this is the Eurovision, so it'll probably be in the bottom three.

21:44 Bomfunk MCs, Rock the Microphone, Free Stereo, Rock the Microphone. Remember that? This is the exact same. Middle eight/bridge is more Bloodhound Gang. All is terrible. But expect it to do well.

21:47 Last song coming up. Spain. Allegedly it's good to be on last, because you stay in people's minds. Or something. This one won't stay in anyone's minds. The show itself cost €30 million to put on. For what? Looks good though.

21:51 No more tunes. Alas. Just these two talking. At least it's not the two tools that presented the semis.

21:53 Nice link to the space station there to announce the opening of the voting. Recap through them all now. Why would you want to hear some of these ever again? Fifteen minutes to vote isn't long enough.

22:00 Round-up done. Marty is a fan of Alsou's wardrobe changes. Haha.

22:03 Another recap? Why? Anyhow, my money is on Moldova.

22:07 One minute left to vote. Did she change again?

22:09 No more votes. Interval time. See the one on Thursday? Those dancers weren't bad. They didn't fold their arms though. Get me some shrooms like in Knocked Up!

22:11 Latest Twitter trends, in order: #twumpet, Moldova, Malta, Norway, Germany, Denmark, Ronan Keating, #esc, Star Trek, Watching Eurovision. Star Trek? What's that about? How dare you talk about anything other than Eurovision. Never thought our Ronan would be a trend.

22:16 Thank God that rubbish is over. Might have been interesting there. Not here on my couch.

22:18 First announced vote is a local vote. No shock. God I love the voting. Woo! Norway in an early lead. Very early.

22:21 Norway doing quite well after 4 countries. I like the bar at the bottom. England not going to come last anyway. Fair play Lord Webber.

22:23 6 countries in. One seventh of the way there. Norway looking like the winner now alright. UK in second. Not too shabby lads. Pity we weren't in the final.

22:25 No votes for Denmark from Sweden. Strange. Nor for Finland, us westerners don't stick together. The Easterners do though. Norway further in front. Just replayed it. Boring.

22:27 France not a word of English no doubt. Huit points. Lol.

22:28 Norway fifty points ahead already. That cute little fella is going to run away with it. UK slide down to third after Latvia votes.

22:32 Nice neighbour voting there Montenegro. But Norway are getting 8/10/12 from nearly everyone. Even people miles away. UK slide even further down now. Huge leap for Spain from 0 to 12 after neighbours Andorra voted for them.

22:34 Gorgeous shirt there on the Finnish jury. Germany in last. Like every other year. Not even Dita Von Teese could save them.

22:36 Bulgaria only gave Norway 2 points, but sure at this stage it hardly makes too much difference. I might as well go to sleep.

22:38 Duncan from Blue. He understands a thing or two about cheesy pop. UK votes 12 to Turkey. Gobble gobble. I've had a Macedonia.

22:40 Commercial break. My eye. Over on BBC, crap cover of TaTu's 'They're Not Gonna get Us' from some folk band. Rip-off of that Katy Perry cover yoke.

22:44 Only 22 so far. I'm bored, cause it might as well be over now. More votes for Norway.

22:45 Captain Jack's gay brother announcing the Bosnian vote. What the hell?

22:48 Fine contrast between Ukraine and Turkey. She's a bit slow this Turkish one. Slow in the head.

22:51 Cyprus give 7 to UK. All the Brits gone out to retire in the sun. No shock they gave none to Turkey who invaded them.

22:54 The dental service of Estonia did a great job on that girl's teeth. Massive. I don't think Moldova's going to win now anyway. No way Norway can lose anyhow.

22:58 Good morning Moscow, that was weird Derek Mooney. Cause they're 2 hours ahead. 12 for Iceland and 10 for the Brits. Denmark and Ronan Keating only got 4. Shocker. He never said "Byeeeeeee" at the end!

23:02 Slovenian gobshite acting the maggot. What a tool. Even Marty got annoyed by him. Marty is speaking well of the UK. Fair play. No vote is worth 19 or 16. :p

23:05 Last two countries to vote are the ones in the lead. Fine coincidence. Would've been funny if Norway's own vote had've meant they didn't win, but it's been over for ages now.

Congrats Norway, and goodnight guys. Hope you enjoyed reading.


Anonymous said...

Daddy or Chips here! Great live blog and wasn't it all fun? And tacky?

Ronan said...

It surely was fun, and so tacky. I really enjoyed it. Can't wait for Oslo.